Randomnicity!
by Ranekaera
Summary: Snape's potion making goes awry. WARNING: INVOLVES PENGUINS AND SILLINESS. Please R&R! NEW CHAPTER UPDATE! CHAPTER 6 IS UP and the story is complete!
1. PENGUINS!

Ok, it's official, I have way too many freaking stories on here for Harry Potter. Just something I thought up while I was bored. Please read and review!!

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Snape was brewing up a potion to cure his spate of the flu, when out of nowhere, someone dropped a penguin.

"Bloody hell!" he cried, as his potion splashed him from head to toe.

"Honk!" said the Emperor penguin, snapping its beak at him.

Suddenly, Snape felt... strangely happy... and bloated. Why that was, unless it was the encholata he'd eaten earlier that day...

"What the honk!" he began, but the word that was going to be "hell" had turned into an ear shattering honk.

Suddeny he turned into a penguin!

"HONK HONK HONK HONK!!!!" he tried swearing, but all that came out was the incessant honking.

"Honk," the other penguin agreed.

Suddenly, Snape's least favorite person poked his head in. Potter.

"Profess- oh. What on earth's a penguin doing in here?" said the idiot boy. Snape tried telling him to get Dumbledore, but all that came out was a honking squeal.

Suddenly, eerie music began to play in the background.

_Oh no_ Snape thought. _Now what?_

A fangirl poked her head in, saw Harry, and squealed.

"Oh. My. _god._ Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, Harry Potter!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!" she giggled, jumping up and down.

"Honk!!!" said Snape angrily, trying to glare at both the girl and Potter, but of course, penguins can't glare.

"I'm gone," said Potter, and he ran. The fangirl saw Snape and squealed again. Snape longed to turn her into a pig, where the squealing would be appreciated.

"I love penguins!!!" she cried, clapping her stupid hands. She kneeled down and hugged Snape so close he thought his ribs would snap.

_I'm in hell_ he thought.


	2. More randomness

Please read and review!! Thanks to all who've reviewed my other stuff!

P.S. I've noticed smething. In the books and the movies, it says there are "four tables where all the students sat" Hogwarts has hundreds of students, and it says the dormitories only have five beds... So my question is...

Where the hell do the rest of the school sleep?!

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After escaping the revolting fangirl, Snape waddled his way up to the seventh floor, where Dumbledore's office was.

Standing in front of the eagle stairwell, however, was one more obstacle set there by someone who apparently hated him.

"Honk, honk honk!" he tried screaming, but of course, all there was was penguinese. He had no idea what he was even saying, and Dumbledore didn't speak penguin.

Standing there in front of him was a Sphynx. She began reciting a poem, ignoring the fact that he was a bloody penguin and therefor couldn't talk.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" asked the Sphynx.

"Honk, hoooooonk honk honk honk honk honk!" cried Snape angrily, flapping his stupid, useless flippers and stamping his webbed feet. If only he had a wand... he'd blast that wretched she-lion out of his way.

"Game over," said the Sphynx, where Snape was forced to run for his life... er, waddle.

He escaped the Sphynx, only to get cornered by another fangirl.

He felt like crying, and Snape never cried. Why did the world hate him?! Was the flu not enough?!!

"Surprise!!!!!!!" called someone suddenly. Snape and the fangirl looked and saw McGonagall, holding another penguin.

"HONK!" cried Snape angrily, squealing at the Transfiguration teacher. McGonagall threw the penguin at himand ran for it.

"Wait!! I never got an autograph!" called the fangirl.

Snape chased McGonagall all through the school before cornering her near the girl's bathroom.

"You'll never dare come in here, Snape! Ha!" taunted McGonagall. She disappeared into the girl's bathroom, and Snape smiled inwardly. He wasn't technically human anymore, even though he supposed he was still male... He waddled through the door to the girl's loo and stepped inside. He wasn't human and he wasn't female.

He was a penguin!!!!!!!!

"Hoooooonk!!!!" he cried, and waddled through the room, looking under the stalls for feet.

McGonagall jumped out of the nearest one, surprising Snape and causeing him to fall backwards. She dashed out of the bathroom, leaving Snape helpless on his back like a turtle.

He hated being a teacher.


	3. Gollum

Hope you like this one :D

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Snape thought there was nothing for it. He had a class in ten minutes, so he waddled his way back down to his class room, grabbed his wand in his beak, cleaned up the mess and wrote the potion instructions on the blackboard.

The class came filing in, and saw the penguin that was Snape.

"Why is there a penguin in here instead of Proffesor Snape?" wondered Harry Potter out loud. Snape honked at them all to shut the f#! up and pointed to the store cupboard with his flipper.

"Wow you guys, I think the penguin IS Proffesor Snape!" cried one stupid first year.

The class cheered, and Snape turned Potter's head into a watermelon. Everyone laughed, so he turned Granger's head into a dictionary.

Suddenly, Gollum from Lord of the Rings dropped on top of Snape the Penguin and began hugging him, crying "my precious!"!!!!

"OMG it's Gollum from that movie! Kill it!" cried Ron Weasley.

The whole class looked to Neville, who was working on his potion, which was supposed to be blue but which was pink. He dropped a firework in in and it exploded all over the rag hobbit. He exploded and died. Snape turned yellow.

So now he was a yellow penguin?!

Squawking angrily, he began biting every inch of the stupid fat boy he could reach, until his potion covered him and he grew purple chest feathers. That was it!!!!! NOW Snape had to get medieval on Longbottom's arse.

He nipped the boy on the nose, so he resembled his own stunted cactus.

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An hour and several bad Penguin bites later, the class shuffled out of the classroom, having learned nothing. They all needed the hospital wing.

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I TOLD you penguins were evil!!


	4. Filch likes penguins

Heeheehee, I am so gonna have fun with this chapter... just for the readers information, Filch is alone in this one. Good thing, too, or he'd have trouble keeping up his reputation, heheheh

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Snape, a yellow emperor penguin with purple chest feathers, was trying to figure out how to revers his stupid potion mishap when Filch knocked on his door with a mop and broom in hand. He saw the mess on the floors, and then he saw Snape.

"OMG! A penguin! I LOVE penguins!" he cried, suddenly happy, and he threw his mop and broom in the air and rushed forth to give Snape the Penguin a big hug. Snape bit the horrible man but to no avail. For some reason, pain had no affect... if only he could get ahold of his blasted wand...

"HOOOONNNK!!!" he honked, but Filch just kept babbling about "lovely, pretty penguins," or some nonsense.

"I think I'll name you... fluffster!" he cried, and before Snape could react, Filch had grabbed him by the flipper and was dragging him out of his office.

He dragged him to his own office, which smelled like something he had only smelled once in his life, and it wasn't pleasant.

There were chains and manacles on the walls and Snape got a sense of foreboding. If penguins could cry, he would have, and he made a mad dash for the open door.

To his surprise, he made it.

"Wait!! Come back, Fluffster! I haven't given you your bath yet!" cried Filch from behind him.


	5. Attack of the mutant squirrel!

This one is just a play on Hermione's bad looks.

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Snape made it to his office without a scratch, thank heaven. But what he found there surprised him.

It was Granger, her head still resembling a dictionary, and she was standing in the spilt potion. Snape watched, horrified, as the half-blood girl slowly started to mutate... she shrunk, and her clothes fell off. Snape wanted to dig his eyeballs out with a spoon and burn them, but as he had no spoon, no hands to hold said spoon, and no wand, he could only watch in horror as she grew fur and a tail.

She was a giant squirrel with a dictionary for a head.

_Has the world gone mad?! What the f did I do to deserve this????!_ he thought to himself.

If penguins could sigh, he would have.

"Meek?" said Granger, looking at him. Sure enough, her head was open to the M's and Snape saw the word 'meek'.

"Honk," he said bleakly.

The distionary head flapped angril and turned to the A's.

"ATTAAAAAACK!" Granger the Mutant Squirrel screeched, and she charged.

"HONK!!" cried Snape, and he thought that if he ever got out of this mess, he'd give her a fail grade on everything just to watch her cry.

She chased him around the room until Snape keeled over on his belly, honking weakly. Granger kept running, and ran out of the room.

_I need a vacation..._

"


	6. Random day

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The rumor spread around the other students at Hogwarts that their potions master had, for reasons unknown, turned himself into a very angry penguin. The Headmaster decided to name that following Wednesday "random day" in an attempt to make him feel more "at home".

Students transfigured their hair all sorts of wacky colors. Dumbledore himself did his hair and beard bright turquoise and a few students went around spouting random nonsense all day.

This irritated Snape more than anything, and he wondered why Dumbledore did nothing.

His evenings potions class went about doing their potions, and when Snape went around checking them all, he accidentally tripped over Longbottoms' and doused himself all over with the clear potion; it smelled like kerosene, and it turned all his yellow and purple feathers green. He looked as far down as he could. It also gave him nipples?!!!!?? Now he was a green penguin with nipples!!??? This was the last straw!!! He was going to make Dumbledore change him back if it was the last thing he ever did!!

He stoodoutside the entance to the headmaster's offioce, and he remembered that he couldn't tell the stone gargoyles the password to gain entry.

"SQUWAK!!" he honked, but the gargoyles chuckled. To his surprise, they let him through!

"Honk, honk honk!!" he cried, waddling with out permission into the headmaster's office. Harry Potter was there, and just because he felt like it, he bit the boy on the hand as hard as he could.

"OUCH!! What the-?" he cried, and he looked down and saw a green penguin with human nipples.

"Professor Snape?" Dumbledore inquired, his turquise hair and beard looking odd on him.

"Honk!! Honk honk honkhonkhonkhonkhonk SQWAAAAK!!" he cried angrily, glaring as best he could with these ridiculous eyes.

Dumbledore chuckeld, and Harry Potter did too, so Snape bit him again, just to be a prick.

Dumbledore waved his wand and immediately, Snape changed back into himself, but with green hair. He fingered it in disgust but to his chagrin discovered that he couldn't change it back.

"Welcome back, professor," said Dumbledore. He sounded like he was greatly amused, and the Potter boy was gingerly examining his bitten hand.

"Why, may I ask, did you bite Harry?" asked the eccentric headmaster. Snape gave a very bitter smile and said,

"I thought it was random day?"

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THE END!!!!

PleaseR&R since it's my birthday!! I'll be writing another totally random story sometime soon!


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